Although the words "courtship" and "dating" are not found in
the Bible, we are given some principles that Christians are to
go by during the time before marriage. The first thing to
realize is that we must separate from the world's view on dating
because God's way contradicts the world's (2 Peter 2:20).
We are told (by society) to date around as much as we want,
going through as many people as possible. Instead, we
should discover what kind of person we are getting into a
relationship with before making that commitment. We should
find out if the person has been born again in the Spirit of
Christ (John 3:3-8), and if they share the same desire to be as
Christ was (Philippians 2:5). Why is this important in
finding a partner? A Christian person should be careful
not to marry an unbeliever (2Corinthians 6:14-15) because this
could weaken your relationship with Christ, or compromise your
morals and standards.
When one is in a
committed relationship with someone, it is important to remember to love
the Lord above anyone else (Matthew 10:37). To say or believe that the
other person is your "everything" or the most important thing in your
life is idolatry, which is a sin (Galatians 5:20, Colossians 3:5).
Also, do not defile your body by having pre-marital sex (1 Corinthians
6:9, 13, 2 Timothy 2:22). Sexual immorality is a sin not only against
God but against your own body (1 Corinthians 6:18). It is important to
love and honor others as you love yourself (Romans 12:9-10), and this is
certainly true for a courtship or marriage relationship as well.
Following these biblical principles is the best way to have a secure
foundation for a marriage. It is one of the most important decisions
you will ever make because when two people marry, they cleave to one
another and become one flesh..
Understand that God designed marriage to provide the right
context for sex. Next, get rid of messages in your mind that say
sex is bad. We should not teach that sex is bad. We should teach
that it is sinful outside of marriage. Attraction and the
desire for pleasure are normal, not evil. Solomon's Song of
Songs gives us some direction here. Before the couple marries,
we read of their passionate feelings. Yet we also read this in
3:5 of the Amplified Bible:
'I adjure you, 0 daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or
by the hinds of the field, That you will not arouse or awaken
love until it pleases.'
Feelings of physical passion are good. God put them there.
But as was true three thousand years ago when God inspired
Solomon with these words, you don't go to bed with your dating
partner or your wife-to-be. Sex has boundaries. Four times in
Solomon's book we read, 'Don't arouse love until it pleases.'
The word 'arouse' means a violent awakening. Both man and woman
must take responsibility for stopping. It's neither 'her job'
nor 'his job' to apply the brakes; they're both responsible for
holding the line. Yet after the wedding, Solomon records that
God tells them to 'drink and imbibe deeply.'
In courtship, it's expected that they will wait. But once
married, it is expected that they will not wait. The poet seems
to be indicating that this is the voice of God Himself - the
silent observer, designer and blesser of their physical love.
God pronounces His full approval on everything that has taken
place, encouraging them to drink deeply of His gift. He created
us - designed us - as sexual creatures. He has revealed the
'rules' for our benefit and in our best interest. Sin often is a
consequence of indulging a natural, normal desire in the wrong
way, place or time.
Marriage involves developing sexual intimacy.
Developing implies a process - a progression. Through
understanding, practice, applying knowledge, growing in unity,
maturing in love, abounding in tenderness and kindness, your
unique physical love language will develop over time. Your first
encounters do not have to be your best; you will probably find
yourselves fumbling and groping. Yet these experiences are
precious, and they are where you begin. Song of Solomon also
appears to indicate that, over time, lovers gain more boldness
and deeper intimacy. During courtship, the future bride says
this in 1:6 about herself:
'Do not stare at me because I am swarthy,
For the sun has burned me.'
The highest place of beauty on a Middle Eastern woman was her
skin. They wore veils in the sun to keep their skin light. So
she views herself as 'deficient' compared to the standard of
beauty in her culture. Yet after they have been married, she
says this in 2:1:
'I am the rose of Sharon,
The lily of the valleys."
Isn't it interesting how her view of herself has changed?
Earlier, she was self-conscious: 'Don't stare at me." Now her
self-image has risen because she sees herself as he sees her.
Through time, intimacy can grow and you will become more skilled
at giving and receiving pleasure together.
Is it okay to date outside your faith?
Couldn't this be a chance to witness?
It is true that friendships provide the best opportunities for
sharing the good news. But dating relationships have at least the
possibility of marriage in view. It makes sense, then, that a
relationship like this can be safely entered into only with someone you
think would make a good life partner.
An understanding of God's design for the marriage relationship helps
us to see why the Bible places a high value on shared faith between
marriage partners. In Eden, God created Eve from Adam's own flesh and
brought the two together in the 'one-flesh' union of marriage. They were
to be 'one'--physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
In the first-century church in Corinth there were those whose spouses
were not yet believers. There were also single people who had yet to
make a decision about who they would marry. The apostle Paul counseled
these singles not to be 'yoked together with unbelievers.' Paul does not
tell us exactly what concerned him about such marriages. Likely he saw
the potential for the Christian partner to lose ground spiritually and
for the marriage bond to be weakened by the absence of a shared faith.
Clearly, in Paul's mind, the risks of linking one's life with someone
who does not share your faith are greater than any potential for good.
You may want to read the following passages from the Bible as you
think about this issue some more: Genesis 2:26, 27; 1 Corinthians
7:13-20; 2 Corinthians 6:14-18.
We know that abstinence before
marriage is the best answer when it comes to sex, but what about holding
hands or kissing in a dating relationship? What are the biblical
guidelines for dating relationships?
God has good reasons for reserving a sexual relationship for
marriage. Sex is about the mutual opening of two persons to one
another--physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.
Outside the lifelong commitment of marriage, a sexual relationship runs
too deep for safety. The potential for devastating pain and long-term
damage to a person's ability to form intimate relationships is too great
to take the risk.
God's plan for the development of a relationship is probably most
fully outlined in the Song of Solomon where the love story of a king
(Solomon) and his bride (Shulamith) unfolds. Three times (in chapters
2:6, 7; 3:5; 8:3,4) Shulamith describes the couple's married lovemaking
leading up to sexual intercourse and then counsels her friends, 'Do not
arouse or awaken love until it so desires.' Scholars indicate that the
language of this verse in Hebrew can be understood to mean 'Do not
awaken this kind of love until it's time.' It's as though Shulamith intuitively
understands that this kind of love is safe only with a marriage partner.
God put the Song of Solomon in the Bible because He wants couples to
enjoy everything good that He had in mind when He created male and
female and brought them together in marriage. God never withholds
anything good from us. Staying on God's timetable for sexuality provides
for maximum pleasure. Biblically, that clearly means reserving sexual
intercourse and the intimate touching that is part of the sexual
experience for marriage.
It's safe to say that any behavior that propels a couple toward
sexual intercourse is 'too far' for that couple. For some, even kissing
and holding hands may be too stimulating for them to engage in if they
want to maintain their decision to be sexually abstinent before
marriage.
The good news is that God has provided more than enough to enjoy in
the experience of growing together in love toward marriage. Hear the
testimony of long-married couples: You can listen and talk and hold
hands for 50 years with the same partner and still find pleasure! Take
time to read Solomon and Shulamith on what God wants courtship and
marriage to be like for you.
If you have already gone 'too far' in
a dating relationship, why stop?
It can be quite discouraging to have violated your values, and it's
natural to wonder whether you have passed the point of no return. The
good news is that God loved us while we were still sinners. He saved us
and made our lives full again in Jesus Christ. We have only to hold out
our hands to receive His gift. It is never too late to make better
decisions and to enjoy the benefits of living by the values of His
kingdom.
The best reason for stopping now is that God's word is clear that a
sexual relationship is reserved for marriage. God never withholds
anything good from His children. He was the designer of the process by
which a man and a woman are attracted to one another. He planned for
important things to happen during the courtship period, such as the
development of friendship, the deepening of communication, the building
of trust, and the acceptance of one another as less-than-perfect human
beings.
Premature sexual activity frequently puts a near end to further
growth in the relationship. To disregard God's word is also to risk
living apart from the protection of His plan for sexuality. And there
can be heavy consequences, such as long-term emotional distress, and a
reduced ability to form and maintain a permanent bond with a marriage
partner.
God longs for you to give His grace a chance to bring healing in your
life. Despite the fact that you have made mistakes, our God is a God of
new beginnings. He wants to bury your mistakes in the depths of the sea.
There may be some consequences to your choices that He cannot remove,
but He wants you to know the peace of letting Jesus be the Lord of your
life. He wants you to experience the positive results of making better
choices. Turning around in your tracks is what conversion is all about.
Nothing but good ever comes from it.